A blog about real love poems, letters, and notes that I've written to my girlfriend.

Adbrite Banner

Your Ad Here

Ayuwage Referral

AyuWage Services - Get Paid to Visits Sites

Monday, October 25, 2010

Some Kind of Ultra Virus

You may remember from a previous post that I am the most amazing boyfriend in the world when taking care of a sick girlfriend. However,


I am SO SICK I WANT TO DIE. You know how when girls are sick they just have these cute little sniffles and miniature coughs that sounds like they accomplish nothing other than making you say "awww"? It's so adorable and funny and harmless right? NOPE.

The color of the snot pouring from my face can only be described as a shade of green yet unknown to man, because it is SO green, that any other green objects around it are literally sapped of their pigment in order to feed the MOTHER GREEN.

Ever heard of this thing called walking? Not me. My muscles are so perplexed by the simple idea of THINKING about walking, that they have prematurely atrophied because they know that I'm not getting up anytime soon.

My cough has caused my neighbors to believe that a college aged person no longer lives here, but instead, a very very old chain smoking beluga whale has moved in.

And the best part? I can't even go to the doctor because I don't have medical insurance!


I know some of you who think you're smart are probably thinking, "dude, your girlfriend was sick what, a month ago? You can't catch something a MONTH ago and just be getting sick from it now! How can you blame her?!"

Well let me tell you something, Mr. Smarty Pants Hipster Asshole. Ever heard of Super AIDS? I know you've seen South Park. Don't act like it's too mainstream for you. SUPER AIDS is a strain of AIDS that has become resistant to the medical treatment that slows down and alleviates the suffering from normal AIDS. I believe that whatever she infected me with is so powerful that it laid dormant in my system for weeks, until it was powerful enough to create a shitstorm that could overrun my immune system and any medicines I tried to treat it with.

I have been referring to it as an "Ultra Virus," and I believe that I am correct because whenever I refer to it by name, it becomes angered and causes me to retch in pain.

So piss off, you vegan bike riding douche. And stop defending my poisonous girlfriend!

But who knows? I could be wrong. Maybe it's not a super virus. Maybe, it's something else. But if that's the case... there's only one thing I can do to help.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Here's Your Stupid Tigers

Tiger, tiger, on the wall
Please choose someone else to maul.

Tiger, tiger, striped and quick
Eating me will make you sick.

Tiger, tiger, in the zoo
You just stepped in monkey poo!

Ha ha, stupid tiger!

If, after reading this poem, you still think you like tigers, think again. Here's a little video that outlines just how
much tigers suck.

There's a new poll up now... this time you only get a yes or no option, jerks.

Tomorrow's update will be back on topic!

Sunday, October 17, 2010


So, in case you didn't notice the poll to the right... it seems you all have decided that my next update is going to be about.... tigers? Okay then. I guess the people have spoken.... For the first time ever I'm going to attempt to write something strictly FOR this blog, rather than just writing it for my girlfriend and simply posting it here. So thanks a lot you guys, for choosing the bullshit option and making me do more work than I have to.

Stay tuned... you furry loving freaks.

God I hate you guys

Thursday, October 14, 2010

We Talked, She Cried, I'm Back Bitches

I am king of my domain once again! And it's about time. The smell of Grandpa's bed was getting disheartening.

Now that that whole ordeal is over with, and I'm back in my own home, and the little lady no longer hates my face, things regarding this blog should be getting back to normal. Whether thats good for you or not, I'm not sure, but it sure as hell is good for me. You guys DO prefer my poetic humor to my RL drama, don't you? Who am I kidding, I don't actually care. So here's some more poetry!

A haiku:
(rather, a series of them)

A dove with a branch,
It is the symbol of peace.
Can I come home now?

I love my Grandma,
But her cooking is like death.
I miss your pot roast

A stripper cannot
Truly come between our love,
So get over it.

You know I love you,
Even when I fuck up big.
I need you near me.

Dawwwww, I know, I had to end with some sappy shit. Sorry about that. But (to answer some of your questions) my girlfriend DOES read this. She actually enjoys it, for some reason. So to all the haters (I'm talkin bout YOU, Arkanyn): You may kindly fellate my neighbor's cat.

He's all ready for you, Arkanyn! ;]

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Soothing an Angry Spouse, (AKA Avoiding a Lawsuit)

I do apologize that these last few updates have been full of nothing but simple prose, but I promised you guys an update on my personal life (although, this entire blog IS my personal life), so here's the explanation that I'm sure you are all enthralled to hear:

I swear that all the information provided here is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of perjury in accordance with the laws of the state of California.

Our Anniversary - Part 1, Chapter 1:

It was a balmy October afternoon. The air that night felt electrified, full of excitement. The looks on the couple's faces were full of loving, teasing, expectant titillation. This was the night that would be a telling culmination of all the emotions and tribulations they shared during the six short months since their joining.

And then, I ordered a stripper.


That's right I'm awesome don't even worry about it. What happened next? Gee I dunno maybe THIS:


Sounds like a recipe for a good fuckin' time, don't it? Well guess what YOU ARE WRONG. 

It was a terrible time because somehow my girlfriend HATED it. And not just like the fun pretend kind of hate... she punched me in and around my face. And then she left.

Now, I'm sure you all know how costly it is to order a professional pole dancer, and there was no way I was going to just leave the party and waste it on all those white people. Plus I was already a little drunk. So I stayed. In retrospect, that was probably not the best idea I've ever had, especially since she was just waiting outside the front door for me to come out after her. But I challenge you, women of the internet, to find fault with my epic planning and surprise skills. I thought it to be a very sweet gesture. Even the stripper thought so!

But alas, I find myself here, sleeping in a twin bed at my grandparent's house, waiting for the girlfriend to calm her irrational anger. On the bright side, though, I think it's all going to work out. We are meeting tomorrow to have an "apology talk," and we all know how good I am at apologizing. 

Until then, adieu bitches!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Insult to Injury

Boy do I have some big news for you guys. We just celebrated our six month anniversary!!

To commemorate this special occasion, I of course did something really sweet for my girlfriend. Unfortunately though, she didn't think it was as sweet as I did. And as a result of that, I'm staying at my grandparents house for a few days.

I'm currently writing this entry from a public library computer, as my grandparents are incredibly old and don't believe in things like "fancy electronical equipment," so I will have to enlighten you, my dear readers, at a later date.

Check back soon and wish me luck :D

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

You Hit Like a Girl

The other day, my girlfriend and I got into a little tiff. Now WAIT -- before you all start flooding me with sympathy and start telling me how I'm wonderful and how she's probably just on her period, first know this:

Against all odds, nearly defying the laws of physics and normality... I have to admit that it may have been my fault. I KNOW, I KNOW, IMPOSSIBLE! HELL HATH FROZEN OVER! HOW COULD ONE SO CLOSE TO GODLINESS POSSIBLY EVER ERR ON THE SIDE OF MALEVOLENCE?!

To answer your question, ladies and gents; I don't know. It just happened. I'm not going to get into the specifics here (I'm sure she will read this, and refute my side of the story anyway), instead I will just post the aftermath of the argument... which just so happened to be in note form.

Let me begin this letter by telling you one absolute truth: 
You are wonderful.
Now that I've established that much, I would like to extend my deepest apologies for what I have done.
I never meant to let you down.
I never meant to run around and desert you.
I never meant to make you cry, never meant to say goodbye, never meant to tell a lie and hurt you.
Any resemblance that these lyrics heartfelt words may bear to popular media references are completely imagined. Any claim to the contrary would make for a wildly offensive allegation if pursued in a court of law or any other means of accusation.
So, honey, now that we're on good terms again, I could really use a back massage.
Also my dirty laundry has really been piling up which has forced me to begin putting some of it under the bed where I can no longer reach it. So if you could get on that I'd appreciate it. Thanks dear.

P.S. You hit like a girl. Love you.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I am a Lightweight

Today's piece is entitled "I am a Lightweight" and it goes a little something like this:

You throw like a ninny
You eat like a mouse
You poop like a midget
And you gossip like a louse

But babe when it comes to booze, 
You drink like there's nothing to lose

Like a noble sailor on the open seas,
You down that Jack Daniels with ease!
As I lay on cold floor, feeling my poor tummy roar, 
You chill with my friends until the night ends
Drawing dicks on my face

Not cool.

Though I kid about alcohol, ladies, you should keep this in mind....

That's just sexist.