Whats For Dinner Babe?

So last night, my girlfriend made possibly the most amazing dinner I've ever had in my life. Tri-tip, chopped brisket, pulled pork, garlic mashed potatoes, watermelon, and some seriously boner-inspiring BBQ baked beans. Truly a man's dinner.

Here's a picture of it:

Oh my god this shit was amazing.

After I finished, I told her that I was so happy and impressed that I, yes I, would cook dinner tomorrow. She could just relax, sit back, have a glass of champagne, and watch The Bachelor or whatever the fuck stupid show she watches at night.

So the next day, I went to the grocery store, got all these expensive spices, the best ingredients, the whole nine yards. I got home and told my girlfriend to lay on the couch and to NOT come in the kitchen under any circumstances until it was time to eat. I slaved and toiled away preparing the most delicious feast she had ever laid eyes on. Now, not everything came out exactly how I imagined it, but I think I did a pretty satisfactory job for a man.

Here's what my romantic dinner looked like:

Look, it's happy to see you!

Now, ladies, don't be getting all crazy on me and start emailing me stuff like "OH, MISTER BIG STRONG ROMANTIC MAN, PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE AND LET ME OFFER YOU ALL KINDS OF FELLATIO AND OTHER SEX ACTS," because I'm just not down with that. You know I already have a girlfriend, and I would never cheat on her unless it was with a celebrity. So please, keep the comments rated G.

Stay Out of My Business

We all know the workplace is no place for a woman... but still, they have trouble understanding this. A man-driven business environment is best kept afloat my minimizing distractions. Men should not be concerned with things like Fall Fashion or which dish soap keeps dishes sparkling clean. The same goes for a home office. That's why today's entry is entitled "Stay Out of My Business"

Fluttering papers, overturned desks, 

A barren wasteland devoid of productivity.

This is the dark portrait

Of business nightmare.

Though your babymaker, we cannot live without,

Your business advice, we can.

So please, don't come into my office

Trying to educate me about the wonders of Clorox,

When I'm clearly trying to look at porn.

And now that you distracted me,

I missed an important plot point.

Alas, I am lost.

Yes, I Do Think You're Pretty. Now Stop Asking.

They just always need validation, don't they? Today's little poetic update is called, "Yes, I Do Think You're Pretty. Now Stop Asking."

Yes, godammit, yes

You are a creature of beauty

Your radiant curls light up my life!

So please,

Stop looking in the mirror now,

We are late for the movie.

You know its going to be dark in there, yes?

Dark, like the color of my soul.

When you whisper the words

"We are going to see Twilight,"

And then you can't decide what to wear,

Like you're going to be judged

As the pasty face of a faggy vampire looks down on you

Pitying your shabby wardrobe.

I know you fellas know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, really, do you have to look like taylor fucking swift every time you step outside?! The answer is no, so shut the fuck up and put on a T-shirt.

"Hmmm, I have the same dress in 19 different colors, but which one do I CHOOSE?!"

Sicky sick :(

My girlfriend is sick today, so I decided to be the good boyfriend that I am and write her a get well soon card. Here is what it said:

Please get better soon my dear! I hate so much when you're sick,

because I either have to eat shitty soup, or make my own food :(

Get well soon!

I then proceeded to draw her a picture of a landscape with a shining sun, trees, and flowers, and in the center of it all I drew her, serving me a cheeseburger.

I hope all my readers feel my pain this day, and I'll update you all soon on my condition. I'm getting very hungry, but hopefully I can pull through. I only ask of you all to pray for me during this trying time.

Post-it love, plus a song!

Today's update is another sticky note! Several sticky notes, actually. I stuck them on the walls of the hallway from the bedroom all the way to the kitchen. Here's what they said:

Good Morning!

You

Are

A

Woman.

Follow

The

Trail

To

Where

You

Belong!

(inside the kitchen) Now

Get

Cooking!

(on the fridge) I adore you. :]

I would also like to share a song with you all today. Its not quite a love song, but it is my girlfriend and I's current favorite, so I hope you give it a listen!

 

The Reasons Why I Love You

Today's update is a two parter. My girlfriend asked me for reasons why I love her, so I decided to write them down....

In list form:

1. You make me smile when you do my laundry
2. You are beautiful when you cook my meals
3. You're smart when you bring me a soda without me asking
4. You are unique in the sense that you don't talk too much
5. You always know what I'm thinking, and you are willing to perform the things that I'm thinking about
6. You make my heart race when you clean the house
7. You somehow enjoy these offensive and degrading love notes, you fucking nutcase.


and in Haiku form:

Why do I love you?

You stay in the kitchen, dear

And you don't know math

I Hate The Things You Watch

First of all I'd like to say thanks to all my readers. I didn't expect this blog to take hold so quickly. I've only been doing this a few days now, and to have so many of you following me already and tweeting/stumbling/whatever you do to share my poetry is really a big motivation for me. So thanks to you all!


Now that the sappy shit is out of the way, lets get to some fuckin poetry:

I hate the things you watch, my dear

They drive me fucking crazy

Like I care what Snookie does

Or who's dating Scorsese.

Reality shows

Hollywood hoes

William Dafoes

Justin Bieber's nose

I'm beginning to doze

 How can you watch those shows?!

You know I love you despite your taste

But I'm seriously thinking of becoming chaste

Just from you watching this terrible drivel

I shit you not, it makes my c*ck shrivel.

Yet frown, you should not

Because I still think you're hot

And as R. Kelly would say

I want you in my kitchen all day.

Love Note

Found this gem today, for some reason it was in the trash... hmm.

I think working from home is making me a little stir crazy, which explains how unhealthily frequently I seem to be updating this thing. I may be a little addicted. Between working, blogging, and netflix, I've got myself a full 12 hour day. Maybe I should pay some attention to the little lady instead... nah, fuck that. I write her ass poems all the time.

Too Much Makeup

Here is a poem I dug out of a drawer today, which my girlfriend happened to love enough to keep.

Though lovely you are, for this is certian

There is but one thing that acts as a curtain

Shading my love from entering your face, 

You wear too much makeup

In this I find much distaste

Your cheeks, oddly rosy

I am stricken with dread!

Are you ill? Do you ail?

Should we find you a bed?

Those eyes, like raccoons,

They pierce into my soul

Ringed with such darkness

Its as if you cry coal!

All over my pillows

You smear blue, black and brown

Get the fuck out of here

You dirty faced clown!

Shortly after I gave her this poem, she stopped looking like a cracked out geisha

and started looking more like a normal person. Of course, I'm not trying to say makeup is a BAD thing. I am simply of the opinion that some girls just don't need makeup, and look better (read: natural beauty) without it. My girlfriend happens to be one of those lucky few, which I am eternally thankful for. I guess that makes me pretty lucky, too. ;)

Sticky note

Here is a sticky note that I left on my girlfriend's forehead before I left for class this morning:

Yo woman, 

I don't know why you're still in my bed, I thought I made it clear last night that this was a one time thing.

There are pancakes in the kitchen, so go eat them and gtfo of my house.

Love you.

I love these little guys. I think my girlfriend has come to hate them though, as I tend to think up countless clever ways to leave her notes on them.

Leave a comment with other funny ideas where to leave sticky notes, and maybe I'll mention you the next time I do it :]

Welcome

Being my first blog post, this one is going to be short and sweet. This was actually one of the first poems I wrote to my girlfriend since we started dating three months ago.

A haiku:

Your delicate smile

Truly, it is beautiful

Better not fuck up