Soothing an Angry Spouse, (AKA Avoiding a Lawsuit)

I do apologize that these last few updates have been full of nothing but simple prose, but I promised you guys an update on my personal life (although, this entire blog IS my personal life), so here's the explanation that I'm sure you are all enthralled to hear:

I swear that all the information provided here is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of perjury in accordance with the laws of the state of California.

Our Anniversary - Part 1, Chapter 1:

It was a balmy October afternoon. The air that night felt electrified, full of excitement. The looks on the couple's faces were full of loving, teasing, expectant titillation. This was the night that would be a telling culmination of all the emotions and tribulations they shared during the six short months since their joining.

And then, I ordered a stripper.

BAM!

That's right I'm awesome don't even worry about it. What happened next? Gee I dunno maybe THIS:

BAM! WHITE PEOPLE

Sounds like a recipe for a good fuckin' time, don't it? Well guess what YOU ARE WRONG. 

It was a terrible time because somehow my girlfriend HATED it. And not just like the fun pretend kind of hate... she punched me in and around my face. And then she left.

Now, I'm sure you all know how costly it is to order a professional pole dancer, and there was no way I was going to just leave the party and waste it on all those white people. Plus I was already a little drunk. So I stayed. In retrospect, that was probably not the best idea I've ever had, especially since she was just waiting outside the front door for me to come out after her. But I challenge you, women of the internet, to find fault with my epic planning and surprise skills. I thought it to be a very sweet gesture. Even the stripper thought so!

But alas, I find myself here, sleeping in a twin bed at my grandparent's house, waiting for the girlfriend to calm her irrational anger. On the bright side, though, I think it's all going to work out. We are meeting tomorrow to have an "apology talk," and we all know how good I am at apologizing. 

Until then, adieu bitches!