I am SO SICK I WANT TO DIE. You know how when girls are sick they just have these cute little sniffles and miniature coughs that sounds like they accomplish nothing other than making you say "awww"? It's so adorable and funny and harmless right? NOPE.
The color of the snot pouring from my face can only be described as a shade of green yet unknown to man, because it is SO green, that any other green objects around it are literally sapped of their pigment in order to feed the MOTHER GREEN.
Ever heard of this thing called walking? Not me. My muscles are so perplexed by the simple idea of THINKING about walking, that they have prematurely atrophied because they know that I'm not getting up anytime soon.
My cough has caused my neighbors to believe that a college aged person no longer lives here, but instead, a very very old chain smoking beluga whale has moved in.
And the best part? I can't even go to the doctor because I don't have medical insurance!
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT BABY, YOU KILLED YOUR BOYFRIEND.
I know some of you who think you're smart are probably thinking, "dude, your girlfriend was sick what, a month ago? You can't catch something a MONTH ago and just be getting sick from it now! How can you blame her?!"
Well let me tell you something, Mr. Smarty Pants Hipster Asshole. Ever heard of Super AIDS? I know you've seen South Park. Don't act like it's too mainstream for you. SUPER AIDS is a strain of AIDS that has become resistant to the medical treatment that slows down and alleviates the suffering from normal AIDS. I believe that whatever she infected me with is so powerful that it laid dormant in my system for weeks, until it was powerful enough to create a shitstorm that could overrun my immune system and any medicines I tried to treat it with.
I have been referring to it as an "Ultra Virus," and I believe that I am correct because whenever I refer to it by name, it becomes angered and causes me to retch in pain.
So piss off, you vegan bike riding douche. And stop defending my poisonous girlfriend!
But who knows? I could be wrong. Maybe it's not a super virus. Maybe, it's something else. But if that's the case... there's only one thing I can do to help.