Don't Say I Never Gave You Anything

 Well, technically Jack in the Box is giving it to you... but I told you about it. So suck it.

http://email.jackinthebox.com/free-2-tacos/index.php

That's right, I'm giving away 2 Free Tacos on Tuesday, November 16th after 2pm. No coupon or anything. Just show up after 2pm and say, "Gimme your Free Tacos!" Or something less aggressive. You don't want people thinking you're pulling some kind of taco-hold-up or anything. Ask nicely and ye shall receive.

Happy Taco-ing.

-Jack

Check Out Blogwave!

It seems that a few of our fellow bloggers have started a little project that, I think, is really kind of cool. They basically get on skype and record themselves circle-jerking eachother. Sounds lame right?

Wrong.

They are actually full of helpful tips and tricks to keep your blog in the now. It's a much funner way to learn about blogging and other helpful websites as if it came up in casual conversation, which is exactly what this is.

They also take the time to talk about other interesting blogs out there right now, including.... mine! No surprise there.

Here's a little snippet:



The voice that you probably already recognize (the lovely British lad) is Rats, of RatsRunThisTown, The older Canadian sounding fellow is Frosty of Frosted Heretic, and then there's the voice of the average nerd, the host, Snickelsox of Average Joe Gaming.

I highly suggest you check these guys out. This is the makings of a great community of which you could (even unknowingly, in my case) become a big part of. At the very least, its a good soundtrack to play in the background as you blog.

Who wants to make some extra money?

 So, here's the deal guys. You all have given me such great input and suggestions that I feel that I must share this goldmine with you: http://www.neobux.com/?r=Flippydoo

I know a lot of you are probably jobless like me, and in need of some extra money. We all know that those shitty online "MAKE $$$ FAST" programs either don't work or attempt to give you spywares.

NEOBUX is amazing and doesn't require you to do anything but sign up and click a button 4 times each day, which takes up a grand total of 120 seconds of your not-so-valuable time. In less than four months I've already earned $230, with absolutely ZERO investment.

This is known as a PTC or Paid-To-Click site, which, quite honestly are a dime a dozen. Neobux, however, is by far the cleanest, simplest, best supported, most trusted, highest paying of them all.

If you're interested, please sign up with my referral link or banners above.

Using that link helps me greatly by crediting my account for referring you, which you can then turn around and do yourself by posting your own link once your account has been active for a while. By referring people, you are also granted 1 cent every time they click, which is really what makes this website shine.

I'm sure you'll be skeptic like I was at first... but if you check out the "success stories" and "payment proof" sections on their forums, you'll see just how much you can potentially get paid in the long run. There are people who have been paid over $10,000 through this site (not like YOU will be making that much, but it's possible). No other PTC site in the world can claim to provide such a high payout.

The best part is that you can also "rent" referrals, which are people who have signed up without using anyone's referral link. You can use the money that you've already generated by clicking to do this. You can start renting for as low as $0.75, which will give you 3 referrals for 30 days with the option to extend the rental period once you see how they perform. These are all guaranteed to be active clickers and are automatically recycled for free if they aren't. I recommend saving up til you reach $2.50 in order to rent 10 referrals. The more money you put back in to rent more and more referrals, the faster your money begins to exponentially increase. It's incredibly simple and extremely profitable for all.

tl;dr - Use my link to sign up to awesome free website to make some easy extra spending dollars. Requires little patience and no investment. So why not do it?!

P.S. Another decent PTC Site I use is Ayuwage. Ayuwage is similar, and good to use in conjunction with Neobux, but to be honest Neobux is really all you need. :]

Help, I have writer's block!

So, I was just about to put up a new poll asking you all what I think I should focus on for my next post, when I realized, hey! Why give you a set list of options when, clearly, you all are so much more creative than me. So this is a open question:

WTF SHOULD I WRITE ABOUT?

I will read through your suggestions and, when I feel one of you has captured the essence of this blog in a hilarious and interesting way, I will make my next post about whatever you suggest!

I reserve the right to alter, improve, and otherwise steal your idea as my own.

I love you guys, now let's see some creativity!

Halloween > You Guys

Yeah yeah I know what you're all thinking

HEY, YOU GUY. YOUR BLOG IS MY FAVORITE BLOG IN THE WHOLE WORLD. WITHOUT IT I HAVE BEEN A SAD, LOST SOUL. WHERE THE F**K HAVE YOU BEEN?!

One word: Alcohol and sluttily dressed girls.

That's where I've been, so calm your needy asses down. I just have to wipe off all the booze and candy corn and vomit and probably semen that is strewn about my house, and I'll be able to provide you all with some more laughter and fuzzy feelings. So hold tight!

This is what my Sunday night looked like.

How did YOUR halloweens go?

Some Kind of Ultra Virus

You may remember from a previous post that I am the most amazing boyfriend in the world when taking care of a sick girlfriend. However,

NEVER AGAIN.

I am SO SICK I WANT TO DIE. You know how when girls are sick they just have these cute little sniffles and miniature coughs that sounds like they accomplish nothing other than making you say "awww"? It's so adorable and funny and harmless right? NOPE.

The color of the snot pouring from my face can only be described as a shade of green yet unknown to man, because it is SO green, that any other green objects around it are literally sapped of their pigment in order to feed the MOTHER GREEN.

Ever heard of this thing called walking? Not me. My muscles are so perplexed by the simple idea of THINKING about walking, that they have prematurely atrophied because they know that I'm not getting up anytime soon.

My cough has caused my neighbors to believe that a college aged person no longer lives here, but instead, a very very old chain smoking beluga whale has moved in.

And the best part? I can't even go to the doctor because I don't have medical insurance!

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT BABY, YOU KILLED YOUR BOYFRIEND.

I know some of you who think you're smart are probably thinking, "dude, your girlfriend was sick what, a month ago? You can't catch something a MONTH ago and just be getting sick from it now! How can you blame her?!"

Well let me tell you something, Mr. Smarty Pants Hipster Asshole. Ever heard of Super AIDS? I know you've seen South Park. Don't act like it's too mainstream for you. SUPER AIDS is a strain of AIDS that has become resistant to the medical treatment that slows down and alleviates the suffering from normal AIDS. I believe that whatever she infected me with is so powerful that it laid dormant in my system for weeks, until it was powerful enough to create a shitstorm that could overrun my immune system and any medicines I tried to treat it with.

I have been referring to it as an "Ultra Virus," and I believe that I am correct because whenever I refer to it by name, it becomes angered and causes me to retch in pain.

So piss off, you vegan bike riding douche. And stop defending my poisonous girlfriend!


But who knows? I could be wrong. Maybe it's not a super virus. Maybe, it's something else. But if that's the case... there's only one thing I can do to help.

You're welcome.

Here's Your Stupid Tigers

Tiger, tiger, on the wall

Please choose someone else to maul.

Tiger, tiger, striped and quick

Eating me will make you sick.

Tiger, tiger, in the zoo

You just stepped in monkey poo!

Ha ha, stupid tiger!

If, after reading this poem, you still think you like tigers, think again. Here's a little video that outlines just how
much tigers suck.

There's a new poll up now... this time you only get a yes or no option, jerks.

Tomorrow's update will be back on topic!

Wtf?

So, in case you didn't notice the poll to the right... it seems you all have decided that my next update is going to be about.... tigers? Okay then. I guess the people have spoken.... For the first time ever I'm going to attempt to write something strictly FOR this blog, rather than just writing it for my girlfriend and simply posting it here. So thanks a lot you guys, for choosing the bullshit option and making me do more work than I have to.

Stay tuned... you furry loving freaks.

God I hate you guys

We Talked, She Cried, I'm Back Bitches

I am king of my domain once again! And it's about time. The smell of Grandpa's bed was getting disheartening.

Now that that whole ordeal is over with, and I'm back in my own home, and the little lady no longer hates my face, things regarding this blog should be getting back to normal. Whether thats good for you or not, I'm not sure, but it sure as hell is good for me. You guys DO prefer my poetic humor to my RL drama, don't you? Who am I kidding, I don't actually care. So here's some more poetry!

A haiku:

(rather, a series of them)

A dove with a branch,

It is the symbol of peace.

Can I come home now?

I love my Grandma,

But her cooking is like death.

I miss your pot roast

A stripper cannot

Truly come between our love,

So get over it.

You know I love you,

Even when I fuck up big.

I need you near me.

Dawwwww, I know, I had to end with some sappy shit. Sorry about that. But (to answer some of your questions) my girlfriend DOES read this. She actually enjoys it, for some reason. So to all the haters (I'm talkin bout YOU, Arkanyn): You may kindly fellate my neighbor's cat.

He's all ready for you, Arkanyn! ;]

Soothing an Angry Spouse, (AKA Avoiding a Lawsuit)

I do apologize that these last few updates have been full of nothing but simple prose, but I promised you guys an update on my personal life (although, this entire blog IS my personal life), so here's the explanation that I'm sure you are all enthralled to hear:

I swear that all the information provided here is true and correct to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of perjury in accordance with the laws of the state of California.

Our Anniversary - Part 1, Chapter 1:

It was a balmy October afternoon. The air that night felt electrified, full of excitement. The looks on the couple's faces were full of loving, teasing, expectant titillation. This was the night that would be a telling culmination of all the emotions and tribulations they shared during the six short months since their joining.

And then, I ordered a stripper.

BAM!

That's right I'm awesome don't even worry about it. What happened next? Gee I dunno maybe THIS:

BAM! WHITE PEOPLE

Sounds like a recipe for a good fuckin' time, don't it? Well guess what YOU ARE WRONG. 

It was a terrible time because somehow my girlfriend HATED it. And not just like the fun pretend kind of hate... she punched me in and around my face. And then she left.

Now, I'm sure you all know how costly it is to order a professional pole dancer, and there was no way I was going to just leave the party and waste it on all those white people. Plus I was already a little drunk. So I stayed. In retrospect, that was probably not the best idea I've ever had, especially since she was just waiting outside the front door for me to come out after her. But I challenge you, women of the internet, to find fault with my epic planning and surprise skills. I thought it to be a very sweet gesture. Even the stripper thought so!

But alas, I find myself here, sleeping in a twin bed at my grandparent's house, waiting for the girlfriend to calm her irrational anger. On the bright side, though, I think it's all going to work out. We are meeting tomorrow to have an "apology talk," and we all know how good I am at apologizing. 

Until then, adieu bitches!

Insult to Injury

Boy do I have some big news for you guys. We just celebrated our six month anniversary!!

To commemorate this special occasion, I of course did something really sweet for my girlfriend. Unfortunately though, she didn't think it was as sweet as I did. And as a result of that, I'm staying at my grandparents house for a few days.

I'm currently writing this entry from a public library computer, as my grandparents are incredibly old and don't believe in things like "fancy electronical equipment," so I will have to enlighten you, my dear readers, at a later date.

Check back soon and wish me luck :D

You Hit Like a Girl

The other day, my girlfriend and I got into a little tiff. Now WAIT -- before you all start flooding me with sympathy and start telling me how I'm wonderful and how she's probably just on her period, first know this:

Against all odds, nearly defying the laws of physics and normality... I have to admit that it may have been my fault. I KNOW, I KNOW, IMPOSSIBLE! HELL HATH FROZEN OVER! HOW COULD ONE SO CLOSE TO GODLINESS POSSIBLY EVER ERR ON THE SIDE OF MALEVOLENCE?!

To answer your question, ladies and gents; I don't know. It just happened. I'm not going to get into the specifics here (I'm sure she will read this, and refute my side of the story anyway), instead I will just post the aftermath of the argument... which just so happened to be in note form.

Let me begin this letter by telling you one absolute truth: 

You are wonderful.

Now that I've established that much, I would like to extend my deepest apologies for what I have done.

I never meant to let you down.

I never meant to run around and desert you.

I never meant to make you cry, never meant to say goodbye, never meant to tell a lie and hurt you.

Any resemblance that these lyrics heartfelt words may bear to popular media references are completely imagined. Any claim to the contrary would make for a wildly offensive allegation if pursued in a court of law or any other means of accusation.

So, honey, now that we're on good terms again, I could really use a back massage.

Also my dirty laundry has really been piling up which has forced me to begin putting some of it under the bed where I can no longer reach it. So if you could get on that I'd appreciate it. Thanks dear.

P.S. You hit like a girl. Love you.

I am a Lightweight

Today's piece is entitled "I am a Lightweight" and it goes a little something like this:

You throw like a ninny

You eat like a mouse

You poop like a midget

And you gossip like a louse

But babe when it comes to booze, 

You drink like there's nothing to lose

Like a noble sailor on the open seas,

You down that Jack Daniels with ease!

As I lay on cold floor, feeling my poor tummy roar, 

You chill with my friends until the night ends

Drawing dicks on my face

Not cool.

Though I kid about alcohol, ladies, you should keep this in mind....

That's just sexist.

Whats For Dinner Babe?

So last night, my girlfriend made possibly the most amazing dinner I've ever had in my life. Tri-tip, chopped brisket, pulled pork, garlic mashed potatoes, watermelon, and some seriously boner-inspiring BBQ baked beans. Truly a man's dinner.

Here's a picture of it:

Oh my god this shit was amazing.

After I finished, I told her that I was so happy and impressed that I, yes I, would cook dinner tomorrow. She could just relax, sit back, have a glass of champagne, and watch The Bachelor or whatever the fuck stupid show she watches at night.

So the next day, I went to the grocery store, got all these expensive spices, the best ingredients, the whole nine yards. I got home and told my girlfriend to lay on the couch and to NOT come in the kitchen under any circumstances until it was time to eat. I slaved and toiled away preparing the most delicious feast she had ever laid eyes on. Now, not everything came out exactly how I imagined it, but I think I did a pretty satisfactory job for a man.

Here's what my romantic dinner looked like:

Look, it's happy to see you!

Now, ladies, don't be getting all crazy on me and start emailing me stuff like "OH, MISTER BIG STRONG ROMANTIC MAN, PLEASE COME TO MY HOUSE AND LET ME OFFER YOU ALL KINDS OF FELLATIO AND OTHER SEX ACTS," because I'm just not down with that. You know I already have a girlfriend, and I would never cheat on her unless it was with a celebrity. So please, keep the comments rated G.

Stay Out of My Business

We all know the workplace is no place for a woman... but still, they have trouble understanding this. A man-driven business environment is best kept afloat my minimizing distractions. Men should not be concerned with things like Fall Fashion or which dish soap keeps dishes sparkling clean. The same goes for a home office. That's why today's entry is entitled "Stay Out of My Business"

Fluttering papers, overturned desks, 

A barren wasteland devoid of productivity.

This is the dark portrait

Of business nightmare.

Though your babymaker, we cannot live without,

Your business advice, we can.

So please, don't come into my office

Trying to educate me about the wonders of Clorox,

When I'm clearly trying to look at porn.

And now that you distracted me,

I missed an important plot point.

Alas, I am lost.

Yes, I Do Think You're Pretty. Now Stop Asking.

They just always need validation, don't they? Today's little poetic update is called, "Yes, I Do Think You're Pretty. Now Stop Asking."

Yes, godammit, yes

You are a creature of beauty

Your radiant curls light up my life!

So please,

Stop looking in the mirror now,

We are late for the movie.

You know its going to be dark in there, yes?

Dark, like the color of my soul.

When you whisper the words

"We are going to see Twilight,"

And then you can't decide what to wear,

Like you're going to be judged

As the pasty face of a faggy vampire looks down on you

Pitying your shabby wardrobe.

I know you fellas know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, really, do you have to look like taylor fucking swift every time you step outside?! The answer is no, so shut the fuck up and put on a T-shirt.

"Hmmm, I have the same dress in 19 different colors, but which one do I CHOOSE?!"

Sicky sick :(

My girlfriend is sick today, so I decided to be the good boyfriend that I am and write her a get well soon card. Here is what it said:

Please get better soon my dear! I hate so much when you're sick,

because I either have to eat shitty soup, or make my own food :(

Get well soon!

I then proceeded to draw her a picture of a landscape with a shining sun, trees, and flowers, and in the center of it all I drew her, serving me a cheeseburger.

I hope all my readers feel my pain this day, and I'll update you all soon on my condition. I'm getting very hungry, but hopefully I can pull through. I only ask of you all to pray for me during this trying time.

Post-it love, plus a song!

Today's update is another sticky note! Several sticky notes, actually. I stuck them on the walls of the hallway from the bedroom all the way to the kitchen. Here's what they said:

Good Morning!

You

Are

A

Woman.

Follow

The

Trail

To

Where

You

Belong!

(inside the kitchen) Now

Get

Cooking!

(on the fridge) I adore you. :]

I would also like to share a song with you all today. Its not quite a love song, but it is my girlfriend and I's current favorite, so I hope you give it a listen!

 

The Reasons Why I Love You

Today's update is a two parter. My girlfriend asked me for reasons why I love her, so I decided to write them down....

In list form:

1. You make me smile when you do my laundry
2. You are beautiful when you cook my meals
3. You're smart when you bring me a soda without me asking
4. You are unique in the sense that you don't talk too much
5. You always know what I'm thinking, and you are willing to perform the things that I'm thinking about
6. You make my heart race when you clean the house
7. You somehow enjoy these offensive and degrading love notes, you fucking nutcase.


and in Haiku form:

Why do I love you?

You stay in the kitchen, dear

And you don't know math

I Hate The Things You Watch

First of all I'd like to say thanks to all my readers. I didn't expect this blog to take hold so quickly. I've only been doing this a few days now, and to have so many of you following me already and tweeting/stumbling/whatever you do to share my poetry is really a big motivation for me. So thanks to you all!


Now that the sappy shit is out of the way, lets get to some fuckin poetry:

I hate the things you watch, my dear

They drive me fucking crazy

Like I care what Snookie does

Or who's dating Scorsese.

Reality shows

Hollywood hoes

William Dafoes

Justin Bieber's nose

I'm beginning to doze

 How can you watch those shows?!

You know I love you despite your taste

But I'm seriously thinking of becoming chaste

Just from you watching this terrible drivel

I shit you not, it makes my c*ck shrivel.

Yet frown, you should not

Because I still think you're hot

And as R. Kelly would say

I want you in my kitchen all day.

Love Note

Found this gem today, for some reason it was in the trash... hmm.

I think working from home is making me a little stir crazy, which explains how unhealthily frequently I seem to be updating this thing. I may be a little addicted. Between working, blogging, and netflix, I've got myself a full 12 hour day. Maybe I should pay some attention to the little lady instead... nah, fuck that. I write her ass poems all the time.

Too Much Makeup

Here is a poem I dug out of a drawer today, which my girlfriend happened to love enough to keep.

Though lovely you are, for this is certian

There is but one thing that acts as a curtain

Shading my love from entering your face, 

You wear too much makeup

In this I find much distaste

Your cheeks, oddly rosy

I am stricken with dread!

Are you ill? Do you ail?

Should we find you a bed?

Those eyes, like raccoons,

They pierce into my soul

Ringed with such darkness

Its as if you cry coal!

All over my pillows

You smear blue, black and brown

Get the fuck out of here

You dirty faced clown!

Shortly after I gave her this poem, she stopped looking like a cracked out geisha

and started looking more like a normal person. Of course, I'm not trying to say makeup is a BAD thing. I am simply of the opinion that some girls just don't need makeup, and look better (read: natural beauty) without it. My girlfriend happens to be one of those lucky few, which I am eternally thankful for. I guess that makes me pretty lucky, too. ;)

Sticky note

Here is a sticky note that I left on my girlfriend's forehead before I left for class this morning:

Yo woman, 

I don't know why you're still in my bed, I thought I made it clear last night that this was a one time thing.

There are pancakes in the kitchen, so go eat them and gtfo of my house.

Love you.

I love these little guys. I think my girlfriend has come to hate them though, as I tend to think up countless clever ways to leave her notes on them.

Leave a comment with other funny ideas where to leave sticky notes, and maybe I'll mention you the next time I do it :]

Welcome

Being my first blog post, this one is going to be short and sweet. This was actually one of the first poems I wrote to my girlfriend since we started dating three months ago.

A haiku:

Your delicate smile

Truly, it is beautiful

Better not fuck up